That's right. Day Sixty Four. SIXTY FREAKING FOUR!!!!
Catch up here if you've missed the prior installments:
Day 59
Day 58
Day 52
Be prepared. Today's post is a teensy bit more graphic than the prior ones and I'm a teensy bit more cranky.
So I went to the doctor today for a pre-op visit. I figured they'd talk me through the procedure, make me sign some forms and send me on my way. Yes. I was delusional.
When I got into the office everything seemed a little frantic and they didn't even take my co-pay before I went back to the exam room. When does THAT ever happen? Anyway, the gal that took me back seemed out of sorts, talking really fast and out of breath. She set me up to watch a 7-minute video about the procedure. I could hardly wait.
The video started and it looked like it had been made by a junior high school class of kids learning how to use a camera. The graphics were from approximately 1978 and the clothing on the women was not far behind. It started with this woman who was supposed to be a newscaster and the video was so old that you couldn't even see her face. She introduced the video as though it was going to be the most exciting thing I'd ever seen and let me and the audience members know that we were going to be hearing from a doctor about the procedure.
This doctor was so uncomfortable on screen it was embarrassing. She had a perpetual frown and could barely look at the camera. All I could think while I was watching her was, "If she was performing the procedure on me I would cry just from her voice." And also, "This is soooo going in my blog."
Anyway, she explained the procedure and a semi-automated graphic popped on the screen showing a cross cut of the vagina and how the tools are going to be inserted and what they're going to do. She's got samples of the tools to show us too. Awesome! It honestly didn't look that tragic but she made it sound like it could be the worst thing that ever happened to a person.
The next part of the video was the best - questions from the audience. And let me just say that the audience members on the video...wow...these woman were 60 years old if they were a day. I'm thinking, haven't they gone through menopause? Why would they be having this done? But whatever...there they were.
The doctor answered their oh-so-spontaneous questions and made the whole thing seem terrifying by telling us about the risks and horrible things that could go wrong that might lead to more surgeries. I think it was at that point that I started to freak out a little. But then the video ended with the newscaster and her chippy voice thanking the doctor and bidding us all farewell.
Yeah. That's 7 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Things took a turn for the worse after that. The doctor came in and told me she was going to try her best to do the procedure but because it was so hard for her to even do my exam she was concerned about being able to get the tools inside. What?! I can't be the first virgin to have this exam done. There aren't smaller tools? There isn't better technology? Really??? She just said over and over again that she'd try and when I asked what the next option was if she couldn't do the procedure she said, "Well, it would be a hysterectomy." Seriously?! There's nothing between a D&C and a hysterectomy? I find that extremely hard to believe.
She then goes on to inform me that because I'm overweight I'm at very high risk for cancer and she really wants to get the procedure done to rule that out. Well thanks for that. I feel 300% better now.
She finishes up her spectacular visit by letting me know what I need to do to prepare for the procedure. Get ready. This is fun.
First - "Get some KY jelly from the pharmacy, put it on your fingers and insert them in your vagina and stretch...5 times a day before Thursday." There were hand motions for this too. Yeah. You read that right. Hand.Motions. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. The thought of buying the jelly sort of curdled my stomach and then doing that? Yeah. I'm seeing that happen.
Second - "I'm prescribing this medication and you will take one pill orally tomorrow night [I gulped imagining why she was so precise about saying orally] and then you will put one inside your vagina." She then changes that to say I will put two inside my vagina. Oh dear God. Is she kidding me? I'll repeat this same thing the morning of the procedure.
Yeah. That actually happened. I was in the pharmacy to pick up the medicine, which of course wasn't ready, and there were so many people that I seriously couldn't bring myself to wander around and find the jelly. I think I will go back around midnight because I really don't need other people checking out my purchases.
So that's where we are. And now I feel that I need to go buy something shiny to make up for all of this drama!!
I was feeling much better when I recorded this Happy New Year message over the weekend...now I just feel ill. And cranky. And irritated.
Catch up here if you've missed the prior installments:
Day 59
Day 58
Day 52
Be prepared. Today's post is a teensy bit more graphic than the prior ones and I'm a teensy bit more cranky.
So I went to the doctor today for a pre-op visit. I figured they'd talk me through the procedure, make me sign some forms and send me on my way. Yes. I was delusional.
When I got into the office everything seemed a little frantic and they didn't even take my co-pay before I went back to the exam room. When does THAT ever happen? Anyway, the gal that took me back seemed out of sorts, talking really fast and out of breath. She set me up to watch a 7-minute video about the procedure. I could hardly wait.
The video started and it looked like it had been made by a junior high school class of kids learning how to use a camera. The graphics were from approximately 1978 and the clothing on the women was not far behind. It started with this woman who was supposed to be a newscaster and the video was so old that you couldn't even see her face. She introduced the video as though it was going to be the most exciting thing I'd ever seen and let me and the audience members know that we were going to be hearing from a doctor about the procedure.
This doctor was so uncomfortable on screen it was embarrassing. She had a perpetual frown and could barely look at the camera. All I could think while I was watching her was, "If she was performing the procedure on me I would cry just from her voice." And also, "This is soooo going in my blog."
Anyway, she explained the procedure and a semi-automated graphic popped on the screen showing a cross cut of the vagina and how the tools are going to be inserted and what they're going to do. She's got samples of the tools to show us too. Awesome! It honestly didn't look that tragic but she made it sound like it could be the worst thing that ever happened to a person.
The next part of the video was the best - questions from the audience. And let me just say that the audience members on the video...wow...these woman were 60 years old if they were a day. I'm thinking, haven't they gone through menopause? Why would they be having this done? But whatever...there they were.
The doctor answered their oh-so-spontaneous questions and made the whole thing seem terrifying by telling us about the risks and horrible things that could go wrong that might lead to more surgeries. I think it was at that point that I started to freak out a little. But then the video ended with the newscaster and her chippy voice thanking the doctor and bidding us all farewell.
Yeah. That's 7 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Things took a turn for the worse after that. The doctor came in and told me she was going to try her best to do the procedure but because it was so hard for her to even do my exam she was concerned about being able to get the tools inside. What?! I can't be the first virgin to have this exam done. There aren't smaller tools? There isn't better technology? Really??? She just said over and over again that she'd try and when I asked what the next option was if she couldn't do the procedure she said, "Well, it would be a hysterectomy." Seriously?! There's nothing between a D&C and a hysterectomy? I find that extremely hard to believe.
She then goes on to inform me that because I'm overweight I'm at very high risk for cancer and she really wants to get the procedure done to rule that out. Well thanks for that. I feel 300% better now.
She finishes up her spectacular visit by letting me know what I need to do to prepare for the procedure. Get ready. This is fun.
First - "Get some KY jelly from the pharmacy, put it on your fingers and insert them in your vagina and stretch...5 times a day before Thursday." There were hand motions for this too. Yeah. You read that right. Hand.Motions. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. The thought of buying the jelly sort of curdled my stomach and then doing that? Yeah. I'm seeing that happen.
Second - "I'm prescribing this medication and you will take one pill orally tomorrow night [I gulped imagining why she was so precise about saying orally] and then you will put one inside your vagina." She then changes that to say I will put two inside my vagina. Oh dear God. Is she kidding me? I'll repeat this same thing the morning of the procedure.
Yeah. That actually happened. I was in the pharmacy to pick up the medicine, which of course wasn't ready, and there were so many people that I seriously couldn't bring myself to wander around and find the jelly. I think I will go back around midnight because I really don't need other people checking out my purchases.
So that's where we are. And now I feel that I need to go buy something shiny to make up for all of this drama!!
I was feeling much better when I recorded this Happy New Year message over the weekend...now I just feel ill. And cranky. And irritated.
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